Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
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Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about