Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
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I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
This probably isn’t good
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
can’t talk my ride’s here
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom