My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
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“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Its true…
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.