*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
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What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I can fix him.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car