I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
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NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Made something I’m not proud of
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.