hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
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[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.