Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
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Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.