[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
You Might Also Like
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
This hospital has everything
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.