[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really