Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
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I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
#JohnTravolta
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy