Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
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When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance