An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
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Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
scares
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
A double negative is a big no-no.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good