wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
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“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭