couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
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[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more