Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
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Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!