If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
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Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
ok this is my dumbest yet
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.