I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
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[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven