My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
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Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill