[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.