Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
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The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
B
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket