Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
You Might Also Like
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside