It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
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Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae