virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate usđ¤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didnât wanna cancel
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Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Iâm on the âWhole Thingâ diet. Didnât eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since sheâs not wrong Iâm wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now sheâs signed up for summer school
âYou took out 5600 turtles in Marioâ
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Cashier: youâre 8 cents short
Me: itâs only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Iâve heard parents say they donât enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommyâs coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommyâs water gets to be my favorite for the day
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
[Watching âAliens,â sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Cliffordâs cousin
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, whatâs your flex?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.