(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
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waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Holy moly
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam