Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I hope this email finds you in a well
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]