There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
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If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad