people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
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And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”