No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
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For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.