Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
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Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.