Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
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My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
constantly working on myself.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.