*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
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I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.