me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
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She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too