me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
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Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.