ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
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I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”