My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
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CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
How to wake up a Beagle
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off