“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
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Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.