20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
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oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”