If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
You Might Also Like
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.