The Assassin.
You Might Also Like
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
#DesignFail
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
time for some seasonal decor
Blew my mind.