*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
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[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
This squirrel eats better than I do
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend