I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
A ghost story
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.