If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
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KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.