Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Oh the world we live in…
Oops
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory