He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
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911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Every haunted house movie:
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.