i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
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I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Got ya covered
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff