nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
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Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day