Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
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You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.