I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
You Might Also Like
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Bit chilly again tonight.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.