QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??