Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
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Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.